i guess this is just a small space 2 dump my thoughts.. ^^; who knows, it could be fun! small warning i'll have no filter here, so keep this in mind if ur poking through my little entries lol! i'll probably. vent a lot here >_>
it's gonna take a while to make this site pretty... hmm.....not the best at coding xD
guess i kinda forgot abt this site, huh >_> but uh,, first entry ayee!!!! prepare for the potential wall of text.. so uhh, hi! you, anonymous reader (or the vast lonely space of the internet), can call me berry or savvy! or just sav. or anything! i don't really care. welcome to this boring, barren site! maybe it'll improve in the future. Maybe.
im going to try to keep myself as anonymous as possible on here, since im kinda spillin personal stuff everywhere ! but uhh as a little get-to-know-me, im a trans demiboy! i use he/it pronouns. ok thats all ur gonna get lol! read 2 find out moreee~~
well now that we have absolute basics out of the way, time for me to vent!!!!!!!!!!! woo yeahhhhhh!!!!!!!! u can stop here if u want, cuz fair warning: negative talk of eating and body image. i don't have an eating disorder, but i dont have a good relationship with food.
just. im so done. i hate this body so so much. why cant i stop eating? why do i always turn to food? no matter how much i scream in my brain to no, turn back, i dont need all of that shit, i always just end up getting it. i pig out and then regret it all afterwards. what a surprise sav! stuffing urself constantly full of shit food will- make u feel like shit! i hate it so much. i dont want to be fat. i want thin legs. i hate these jello thighs that spread out when i sit down. i hate looking at other boys and getting jealous because they're all so thin and active and pretty and have defined jawlines while my chin is just a fucking downwards slope into my neck. im disgusting. food sucks . nothing good comes from eating besides like, keeping this stupid horrible body alive. i dont want to eat so much. it hurts and i hate the feeling of regret afterwards. i hate going into the food pantry and staring at it all wand wondering next what im going to stuff into my fat face. i want to be thin. i want to be pretty. i wont ever have my absolute dream body, being skinny is the least i can do to make myself happy, and i cant even do that. why do i have no restraint? i know what i'll feel like after i eat, so why do i go back? when will i stop?
yesterday i went on the treadmill. it was only for 30 minutes, my stamina is horrid. but its a small step. i want to be happy. i want to stop this. im going to try and do it every other day, since i shower every other day and i can shower right after i exercise. i want to go to school next year and get stares; not because of my weird clothes or how ugly i am- but stares admiring my body. that im not fat. i have to take a gym period next year anyways. i dont wanna look like the one fatty standing out in gym. if i start to build up my stamina now and over the summer, maybe i wont make a total fool of myself, to myself and to my classmates.
earlier, before i remembered this site and started to vent in it, i found myself once again in the kitchen pantry. at this point nothing looks good. its all just empty feelings. my brain screaming to go back upstairs, but my feet planted to the floor. my mom's fiance buys soda often, and he just bought a ton to go in the downstairs fridge. i battle with myself in my mind on if i should go get one. but they're all at least 200 calories. so i open the fridge in front of me, the main fridge. inside is tiny hi-c boxes, that my mom got to combat the amount of soda we've been buying. im so greatful for that. they taste good, and its 40 calories per box. i get 2. my eyes wonder to the door shelves, and i ate half of a dill pickle slice. 2.5 calories. it's an improvement. as long as i don't have high calorie food thats easily binge worthy in the house, i won't binge. im proud of myself. 82.5 calories is way way better than the 240~ calorie soda, full of bad sugars that would cling to my already sagging body.
see you next time, diary.